Six. It’s been six years since we’ve lost you and I wonder today how the weight of the grief that I carry compares to the weight your little body would be at six. I’m sure your little body would have been 10x lighter without a doubt.
But I guess we’ll never really know.
The on again off again pandemic environment has once again made it challenging to celebrate your birthday in the way that somehow makes my heart feel like it’s enough. So this year, as we celebrate you differently, my heart looks for ways to fulfill that feeling of enough. But it has not been successful. In the days leading up to today, I wander in and out of stores looking for things that speak to me. That remind me of you. That make my heart happy. And every single time, I question whether it’s enough.
Many bereaved parents will identify with “signs” as a way to hold on to a glimmer of hope and light that their child(ren) continue to be with us in this universe despite not being physically by our side. To the non bereaved, these signs may seem ridiculous, but to us, the bereaved parent, they are all that we have. So we look for them. Notice them. Believe in them.
And so, this week, as I wandered aimlessly to find what exactly would be considered enough to celebrate and honour you, I came across many of these signs that I know was your way of saying “hello! I’m here. And I’m with you’.
From the tiniest white feathers I found every morning this week tangled in your sister’s hair as I brushed it, to the heart shaped planters and posters in the garden centre. Even to the pillow that suggested a coping mechanism to get through yet another year without you. They were all there. Speaking to me. Telling me something — but never enough.
It’s just not enough to not have you here. Not enough to try and celebrate you in every way that I know how. Just not enough.
So, I carry you. I carry you in my heart and feel the weight of the grief against the walls of my heart and know that for now, in this space, this lifetime, that will just have to be enough.
Until we meet again my sweet boy. Happy 6th Birthday!