I remember in those early grief days, hearing the statement that a bereaved mama knows exactly how old her child(ren) would have been if they were alive, even after decades had passed. I found that challenging to believe. I knew how my brain operated (and still does), where most times I couldn’t even remember what I had for breakfast earlier in the day, but now, I can confidently admit that I was wrong. A mama DOES in fact remember. In fact she remembers every single day.

Eight. You my sweet boy, would have been eight today. I remember being eight. Eight was a year of change. A hard year. A year full of newness and curiosity. Full of adventure and unfamiliarity. Full of courage and fear. I look back at my own eight year of life and see how much different it would stack up against what yours could have been or would have been if only….

We’re inching closer to a decade in this grief journey, yet somehow it still feels just like yesterday where our hearts were filled with a cocktail of joy and sorrow that we would only identify and swallow much later in our grief process.

When I speak of you, it no longer makes me feel uncomfortable – it only makes me feel proud. Proud that you are ours and we are yours, and that together, we have managed to intertwine our love into the most beautiful safe space to foster community, guidance and rest for grieving hearts. Our demonstration of unconditional love and connection to you extending beyond the living world, has allowed others on similar grief journeys to honour and share their own loss children with us and the world. And that has both humbled us and made us grateful for the unbreakable bond we have with you.

I don’t know what the journey will feel like at the decade mark, but for now, I know that my heart is filled with gratitude for the guidance, strength, love and courage you have gifted us with over the last eight years.

Even when we feel your absence everyday, we can’t imagine a life without your love present.

Happy Birthday Sweet Jude.

xo mommy