You come to me and pour your wisdom over me. It flows through my veins like medicine healing the scars left behind by you.

I know this process happens 365 days of the year, but somehow it never feels to be enough during this triggering time. This time where my heart wanders off into the land of what if’s and why’s and should have’s and could have’s and if only’s. My heart wanders there because it’s searching for you and it leads my mind down the narrow path of darkness and remembrance of all of the things that led up to the point of loosing you. And although the heart finds comfort, the mind plays tricks, speaks harsh untruths, lingers in the hallway of blame and leaves me in the darkness.

Until, I’m reminded by you, that no matter how many times, my heart wanders and leads my mind into this land, you will always be right there. Right next to me. Guiding me, leading me to the next beacon of light that spotlights the path for us to carry on, honouring you and ourselves in the process. It’s in the everyday moments that you remind me that everything is not what it seems and that there is greater purpose, deeper meaning and ultimate intention for that moment. It’s in the way you have chosen individuals to speak through to me, to show me what we were meant to accomplish together that leaves me in awe and comforts me. Reminding me that physical presence is a mere illusion to appease our eyes but not necessary for our hearts.

On your 9th birthday, we honour you with some of the same rituals that have been now woven into our family’s fibre. A mosaic of joy, sadness, grief, grace and light that represent everything we were before you and what you have shaped us to become. We say your name, eat cake, blow out a candle and feel our hearts wish that you were physically here with us. Yet, I know all too well that you never really left. Hidden in the lyrics of an old, legendary song, you reminded me of that.

Happy 9th Birthday Jude!

xo mommy