loss

Black and Yellow Batman foil balloon

Answering the Call

#judedays, Child loss, Grief, self care

We walked in to the balloon store like we do every year on this day, not knowing which one to choose. And within seconds, he chooses one for us.

“That one!” I can feel the words travel from my heart and trigger the neurons in my brain to translate the energy vibration that he has emitted into words that I can understand.

I stared at the bright yellow and contrasting black foil designed balloon and I knew instantly that was the one to mark a decade of this day. I pointed it out to the “Boss” and he smiled and said, “well, he would have been into Batman I guess at this age”. And so we agreed, that we were answering the call and getting the only Batman balloon in the store.

The clerk inflated it and asked what colour ribbon we wanted. Little did he know that all of the details really didn’t matter – that the balloon would soon be weathering sleet, rain and cold temperatures as it swayed back and forth, dancing in the whispers of the wind, adoring our son Jude’s resting garden place.

As parts of the world mark this day as the Epiphany following Christmas – we mark this day with this simple ritual every year, as a reminder that perhaps we too, would have stood adoring our son today, on his predicted birth day. We do it for us. We do it to honour ourselves and the journey that we have taken and continue to take in honouring Jude. It’s quiet, gentle and just for us.

Every year feels different and every year I question myself as to whether we should continue the ritual. But Jude always finds a way to call on us, so every year, we answer the call.

The Art of Letting Go

#judedays, Child loss, Grief, Healing

Shortly after loosing my son Jude, someone said to me “You have to let him go”. I can tell you now and certainly would have told you then, just a few short weeks after loosing him, that statement was not helpful – at all! At the time, my body and mind were still numb and I couldn’t even grasp at the basic intention that was behind the statement. I’m sure there was some form of pure support intention behind the statement, but the thing is, even if I was in a position to grasp the intention behind the statement, letting go of your dead child is just something that you simply can’t do.

It’s not as simple as releasing your grip on a balloon string and watch it float away into clear blue skies. There are no blue skies after loosing a child and your child is not a balloon. Being told that you “need to let them go” is not as simple as it sounds, nor is it as liberating from the darkness of grief as most of those around us want to believe. Letting go is not that simple – a truth that is once again being demonstrated by the worlds beloved Orca Killer Whale, Tahlequah, who is once again holding on to her dead calf as part of her grieving process.

This year, will mark a decade since I lost my boy and I’m still grappling with the art of letting go. I know I will never let him go and that is not what I’m grappling with. I know that he’s forever a part of me and I of him and that will never change or dissipate despite the passing years. What I am learning to let go of is the rituals that no longer serve my grieving journey, the guilt that overwhelms and consumes me, the need to share him with everyone. Letting go of those things and making room for new ways to share his light, honour the lessons and light the path for those traveling their own grief journey behind me is how I’m choosing to embrace this next part of my journey.

And like Tahlequah, the Orca Killer Whale who carried her first dead calf for 17 days (1,000 Miles) in 2018, we the bereaved parent, will only “let them go” when we are ready. Our definition of letting go is not the same as of those witnessing our grief journey from the sidelines. It is completely different and utterly unique – just like our child(ren). Grief paralyzes us, holds us hostage, changes us, moves us and expands us. We can’t let it go – it needs to let us go. And that does not happen with time, it can only happen with comprehension, appreciation and gratitude for the lessons learned and love endured.