What once served my heart for healing, no longer serves my healing heart. 

So I find new ways of healing. Find the corners of my heart that need mending and discover new ways that will help them heal; because whatever I did before, didn’t heal them. 

I continue to discover ways for connection and new ways to stay connected; abandoning the ways which I vowed to you I never would. But yet here we are. Still seeking, still searching for the answers I already know I’ll never find. Yet somehow, the seeking, has also become another way of connecting. 

The waves of sadness still hit and the tears sometimes still flow, with the difference now being that I know their pattern. I know to just hold on as they pass and soon my breath will return. My heart settles back into its scars, all while the world continues to turn. I know all of this already – yet – here I am, still wondering. Forever wondering.

Still seeking. Still loving. Still questioning.

The important thing now is that you’re embedded – weaved into the pattern of our everyday routines. Etched into the mosaic of our lives, and life without your presence, doesn’t exist.  Your name is spoken freely in our home and effortlessly outside our home, with minimal regard for the level of uncomfortable impact it may have on those around us.  It’s just how it is. How it always was and meant to be.  You’re absent only physically and although my mind understands that, there are pieces of my heart that still deny that, making them the reason for why there will always be grief work to do.  Not because of the loss, but because of the love.

This far in, the grief work can be lonely. From the outside, we look alright – stronger then ever.  Living life as if nothing happened. Except it did, and our hearts know that.

So here we are – doing the work – quietly and fiercely, with the wisdom to know that the work will always be there, because you are always here. It’s the love, the lessons, the wisdom that you continue to bestow on us that make the work all worth it.

This is 11. A milestone in it’s own right. A number I have been subconsciously seeing all year long without understanding it’s true meaning until today. It’s us – side by side, marking the start of a new decade together. You and me kid – this is how it was always meant to be.

Happy 11th Birthday sweet Jude!

xo mommy