So 2020 is a little different.  Different on the surface, but at the core, where you and I co exist, it’s the same.  It feels weird that we can’t celebrate you in the same way that we always have, especially since it’s your 5th birthday.  5 years is a milestone, but one that is ironically being hit without much celebration. 

This year, there’s an overwhelming, persistent numbing feeling that has not resurfaced since the early days of grief. But your love is the constant and that’s what I’m trying to stay focused on. 

There will still be balloons, and cake and sunrises and we will still be surrounded by your love and those who love us, and that’s all that matters.

Every year, leading into your birthday, I dig deep into the ocean of my heart where you live and ask you “how do you want to celebrate your birthday? You always have an answer for me, but not this year. This year your silence was truly deafening and my heart finally aligned with the fact that maybe this year’s inability to celebrate you in the same way was more to do with your wishes then the rest of current life events.

Today, as I stood in the sacred silence that is only present in the morning dawn and watched the sunrise, I noticed the calm of the water on the horizon.  It glistened with the orange yellow highlight of the sun coming over the horizon crest and I felt ok.  I felt calm. I felt at peace.  Following the path of the gentle sway of the water, I noticed that closer to the shore, the waves still hit the rocks aligning the shore with fierceness, splashing water well above the marked shoreline.  That fierceness reminded me that no matter how calm and how at peace I feel about you, grief will always crash against me.  And that’s what I’m ok with.  That’s what I’m at peace with.  That’s what I’m numb to.  

The celebration planning leading up to your birthday provides me with an unhealthy dosage of distraction.  This year, there was no planning, no organizing, no noise, no distraction.  Stripping all of that away left me with nothing but you.  And in a way, I’m  grateful for that.  It’s just what my bereaved mama heart needed to realize that sometimes, doing things differently may not be what you want, but what you may truly need. 

Happy 5th Birthday Sweet Jude 

xo mommy